April 9, 2014
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I love
fast food so much that my feelings for it are probably illegal in
Georgia. It's objectively disgusting, of course, but I truly love it.
Give me a BK Double Stacker or a Big Mac or literally anything from
Popeye's and I'm a happy (and gastrically-distressed) camper. But
really, never has the tag for these articles been more apropos than with
some of the mad science experiments these companies come up in their
never-ending war over who can do more unspeakable things to nacho
cheese. I don't fault someone for eating fast food, ever (that would be
hypocrisy on a level that would stagger even the talking heads at Fox
News), but I feel like the existence of each and every one of these
items has to be the result of a dare taken WAY too far.
1. Doritos Locos Tacos —
I swear to God I thought this was a joke the first time I saw an ad for
it. Then, after I thought about it for a while, it started to make
sense. See, the Doritos Locos Taco is the Caligulan orgy of the Pax
Americana. Centuries from now, historians will look back at the Doritos
Locos Taco and conclude that such decadence heralded the inevitable
decline of our once-mighty society. Truly, they will surmise, we were
brought low by our need to insert chemical-flavored nachos into every
foodstuff. Well, that and the whole supply-side economics thing. But we
both know its really the Doritos Locos Tacos.
2. Skyline Chili —
I know I've done Chili before, but Skyline really deserves its own
entry. It's basically gastrointestinal distress in a bun. Chili sucks
enough when it's done "right," so just imagine how terrible it is when
you serve a concoction that could best be described as Soylent Brown
atop a probably-raccoon-meat tube that I know for a fact was chipped off
of a giant frozen block of similar tubes earlier that week. Of all the
things Cincinnati should damn well be embarassed about and begging
forgiveness for (and it's a long list), Skyline Chili ranks right near
the top. And yet, Skyline is this weird point of pride for that city.
Even Cleveland thinks you're terrible, Cincinnati. You are the literal
fucking worst.
3. Subway's Turkey, Bacon & Avocado —
I'm pretty sure Subway got its name from the fact that every sandwich
from there tastes like it was scavenged from next to a third rail, but
this sandwich really wins points for the layers of its failure. I've
already talked about
my belief that there is some sort of demon-creature living inside every Subway toaster oven, so
that's the bread. The turkey is pretty much your garden variety
meat-like slimegasm, and the less said about it the better. The avocado
is what really pushes it over the top, though. Look, I know what avocado
tastes like, Subway. You can't fool me by mashing up a failed taxidermy
experiment and flavoring/coloring it with peat moss. And the
bacon...man, I just feel bad for the bacon. It didn't ask for this. It
never really did anything wrong. It just fell in with a bad crowd, and
needs the pig product equivalent of Edward James Olmos to unlock its
inner potential. I think this entry got away from me about two sentences
ago, so let's just move on.
4. McGriddles — A
recurring theme throughout this entire list is "things that sounded
really delicious when you were high at 3 AM," and the McGriddle is kind
of the ultimate exemplar of that principle. I'm sure that after enough
bong hits to incapacitate Tommy Chong, coming up with "fuck it, let's
just wrap the syrup-logged pancakes around the breakfast sandwich" made
one extremely hungry McDonald's exec feel like the guy who first
conceived of the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, but in the cold light
of day, everyone except that guy would look at that idea and go "what
the fuck was I thinking? That was even worse than last year's
post-Bonnaroo Eggplant Ice Cream fiasco!" That guy, though? He forged
ahead to manifest his disgusting, pancake-sandwich destiny, and people
fucking went for it, because this is America, dammit, and there is
nothing too gross for us to eat if it's 7 AM and we haven't had our
coffee yet.
5. The Double-Down —
I wouldn't actually believe the Double-Down was real if I hadn't eaten
one for myself. Also, my kidneys wouldn't creak when it rained and I
would probably still have full vision in my left eye. Everything on this
list is gross, but the Double-Down deserves special consideration for
the fact that its the only food I've ever eaten where I could literally
feel the years being subtracted from the end of my life. The Double-Down
is the fast food equivalent of The Ring, only you have to live what
little remains of your time on Earth with the knowledge that you watched
the video knowing damn well the girl would crawl out of your TV and
give you a massive heart attack.
6. 7-11's Cheeseburger Big Bite —If
you're not familiar with the Cheeseburger Big Bite, pretty much just
take a hamburger, roll it up into a six-inch long cylinder, somehow
infuse it with molten American cheese (I have no idea how this process
was accomplished, but I feel like it would involve an enormous syringe
and the lamentations of the innocent), and slap it on the most
disgusting rotating grill you can imagine for like six hours. Full
disclosure: I have eaten A LOT of these things in my life — when I would
come home from my old job around 11 PM, 7-11 was the only place still
open. Eating these things practically every night was like being trapped
in a loveless marriage, only with more problematic poop habits.
7. Burger King's Satisfries —I
am distinctly unsatisfried. They are decidedly unsatisfrying. I am
filled with dissatisfraction. They are doubtless the cause of much
satisfriction in the workplaces and homes of America. They force me to
contemplate the satisfrailty of the human condition. Ok, I think we're
done here.
8. Chipotle Sour Cream —What the fuck
is this shit and why is it the consistency of soup? When you told me
your shit was "locally-sourced" I didn't think you meant the sour cream
was gleaned from the drain run-off in the alley behind the fucking
store. If you couldn't theoretically spear a giant chunk of your sour
cream with a fork, you done fucked up sour cream.
9. Balogna —
This isn't technically fast food, but I don't care; it's the Taco Bell
of deli meats, and that's close enough for me. Anyway, my Balogna has a
first name, it's V-O-M-I-T. My girlfriend's parents bought high-class
Balogna once (it exists, apparently) — you knew it was fancy because it
had an Italian name and everything. Spirited attempt, Italians, but
that's like throwing a bag of glitter at a used litter box. Not even the
mighty culinary powers of Italy can make Balogna palatable.
10. Ham Salad —
Again, not technically fast food, but since it's significantly more
disgusting than anything else on this list, we're going with it. I've
yet to hear a satisfactory explanation for why Ham Salad exists. Who
first looked at a perfectly good ham and thought, "this would be greatly
improved by mayonnaise and joylessness"? I have no problem with
mayonnaise, but there are limits to what mayonnaise is capable of. Ham
Salad exists somewhere over that mayo event horizon, where Sam Neill has
no eyes and where you don't need taste buds to throw up. Ham Salad is
the only thing in the world that could actually make me want to keep
Kosher. I hate all the foods I list in these articles, but this is one
of the very few that actually makes me question the existence of God.
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